Yes, Im frustrated. Living a lie. Acting hearing when Im not. Conditioned and mainstreamed to identify as something I’ll never be. Only to appease the dominant culture of Audist population. They judged me as being HOH and decided to pull me into the world of hearing people even tho I will never be completely hearing and never have total communication access. Always at a disadvantage, but never allowed to be excused for misunderstanding. Never permitted leeway. They always want me to wear devices, lipread, and repeat to confirm. Im sick + fuckin tired of wasting valuable intellectual time trying to hear. Always repeating to confirm instead of moving forward in dialogue, contributing my ideas.
Fuck you Audists. Im tired of this game. Dead fucking sick + fucking tired. I quit, quit, quit! Id rather be fucking dead than continue to live in the hearing world forever condemned to a dialogue of guessing, repeating, and never understanding fully. I deserve access to information. I was denied my rights as an oppressed linguistic minority. I am at an economic disadvantage, and yet, society does not accommodate me. They put me on probation, fire me, fine me, mace me, incarcerate me and all these years I thought the issue was my attitude or insubordination. When in fact, the problem was Audism related to my Deafness, which I was denied the right to identify with.
Im angry. Im militant. Fuck you if you are offended. Im the one who has had to live this life of oppression. Poverty. Rejection. Frustration. Abuse. I am Deaf. This is MY story. Dont tell me what I am. Now is time for me to tell you who I am. You have lied to me. Every single one of you fucking people in my whole life. With the exception of a few.
When society decided to give me hearing aid(s) and not go to Deaf School or whatever, they were Audist. They judged Deaf Way as undesireable and Hearing as better. They are guilty of epistemic violence by preventing me from identifying with my culture. I was colonized and my body was violated. Then in high school track when I had to cut hair, they again let my body be subjected to authorities abuse. They did not defend me. They only cared about themselves and what would be easiest for them. They didn’t want to defend my rights. My right to be Deaf, my right to have long hair. This is my body. Why did you let medical and educational institutions violate me? All those doctors, teachers, preachers, and cops all violated me and nobody defended me. This is my life, this is my story, this is how I feel, and fuck you if you dont want to acknowledge my reality.
Im not gonna say lies to make you feel better. This is my life. If how I feel now makes you feel bad, well tough shit. Ive spent my whole life, the past 40 years, trying to be what you wanted: Hearing and participating in hearing world. Fuck you for not letting me be me. Fuck you for judging me for who I am and not giving me access to Deaf peers, Deaf mentors, Deaf language, Deaf culture. Im a fish out of water and you kick me while I gasp dying. I ask why do I suffer and you say because I have a bad attitude, or I have A.D.D., or because some other bullshit. I tell you now the reason is because I AM DEAF. Get it thru your thick fuckin skull that I am not a hearing person. Period. And Im here to tell you, that, you know what? maybe Deaf is superior.
The problem isnt that I dont hear, the problem is your monoculture, monolingual ethnocentrism which refuses to sign. You create the disability. If everyone signed but you relied only on mere listening and speaking then you’d be the disabled one. I can do anything but because I wasn’t given access to total communication is why I live a life of pain + suffering- and you blame me. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Deafness doesn’t cause my suffering, but rather, lack of accommodation. Being Deaf isnt the problem, but rather, your Audism and Surdophobia that alienates me. You blame the victim when you point the finger at me. Im not the one who caused my problems, you are. I fucking hate you for not accepting me. You think Im a sinner that needed my willpower spanked out of me. You think my failings are my fault. Again, Im a fish out of water and you want me to act like a mammel. Call a spade a spade. Let me be Deaf.
You made me codependent when you gave me hearing devices. Fuck you. If I was in Deaf World, Id be fine. But you tried to mainstream me in Oralism and Im here to tell you that failed. But alot of people in Audist Establishment made money off my body. Now with Cochlear Implants, its only gotten worse. If women have rights over their own bodies to have abortions, Deaf should have rights over our own bodies to NOT be implanted.
Im tired. The only way I will continue this life is if I am able to Be Deaf. I just want to relax, not be so hyper-fuckin vigilant all the time so cops dont mace me and people dont attack me for misunderstanding and not hearing. If I knew I was Deaf, at least i would know why my life is difficult. Its one thing to live a life disadvantaged, and another thing altogether compounded to have to live such a life and not know why I suffer. Hence the epistemic violence.
Hence why Im angry. Hence why I quit trying to be hearing. So hence this you mother fucking assholes who are intolerant and unaccommodating to Deaf People. We have rights, too. Its on. Im gonna fight this ’til I die. The next generation of Deaf deserve to be accepted for who they are. So stop medicalizing and criminalizing linguistic minorities. And stop denying us our right to have access to total communication. Every Deaf/HOH deserves to learn sign language and have Deaf peers + Deaf mentors. Anything less is ethnocide.
